When it is spring time in Oklahoma, we are frequently told to be “weather aware”. Weather aware for our family means moving the bikes, the lawn mower, and the kiddie pool off of the storm shelter in our garage.
One day, we had a chance for severe weather and I had the following conversation with E:
Me: Daddy’s going to go clean the garage in case there is a tornado.
E: Does Tornado have lot’s of hair?
Me: What? No?
E: Is Tornado going to break our house?
Me: Probably not.
E: Is Tornado eating? Is he pooping? Is he sleeping?
Me: Wait, what do you think a tornado is?
E: A monkey.
After I realized my son thought a tornado was a monkey, I decided my children really needed some education on the weather.
So, when I noticed that the library was having Emily Sutton come and give lessons on weather safety I jumped at the opportunity.
When the day finally got here I woke E up from his nap. First mistake.
I got the kiddos ready to go, and I grabbed a pair of maternity capris that are now two sizes too big and ran out the door. Second mistake.
We arrived at the library, and it was jam-packed with kids and parents. Even the fire department was there.
We all sat down, and I quickly realized that the weather lesson was geared towards older children. I could see my children’s focus slipping and I watched as they wiggled and squirmed. Then I watched in fear and horror as they begin to harass the fourth and fifth graders around them.
I got up, and told my kids that they needed to come sit by me to give the poor kids in front a break.
Then E stood up and walked over to the stage that was located on the side of the auditorium. He leaned over and somehow got his arm stuck in between two little stairs. I could see the panic in his eyes.
I jumped out of my seat, and my pants kept drooping down, down, down. I walked my saggy butt maternity pants over to the stairs, and luckily I was able to get his little arm unwedged without having to get help from the fire department who was on stand by.
After that little incident, I Had.To.Get.Out.Of.There.
I told my kids we were leaving, and all of a sudden they had a new-found interest in the weather and tried to insist that we stay.
That was not happening.
I decided that I would slip out quietly. I loaded up my diaper bag, toy cars, the baby, and the car seat, and I made the mommy walk of shame to the door.
When we got to the car, I noticed that my pants had drooped so far down they were no longer capris and the maternity band was in clear sight.
Next time I want to teach my kids about the weather, I am turning on The Magic School Bus and calling it a day.