Half Moon at the Zoo: The Day I Ripped My Pants

One of my all time favorite movies is The Notebook. I love the romantic tale of young and old love. Well, you know how in The Notebook the old man wrote a beautiful story about his romance with his wife so she could remember their story in her old age?  I like to think this blog is very similar to that old man’s book, I document my memories so I can remember them in my old age.  However instead of romantic tales, today I will be talking about ripped pants and accidental booty cheek exposure.

When the weather is nice my kids and I will spend hours upon hours at the zoo.   One summer day, we had plans to meet up with some friends on a play date.  I woke up at the crack of dawn, got ready, and put on a pair of flesh-colored underwear-Spanx, and slipped on my favorite pair of jean capris. (Let’s put aside the fact that I was wearing Spanx to the zoo and just chalk that up to a little good old-fashioned vanity.)

These pants were perfect, despite the fact that they also happened to be maternity pants, and I had given birth months before.  I ignored the fact they would start to sag and slide down because they were awesomely stretchy and were the perfect medium wash denim with exactly the right amount of distressing.  I noticed that they were starting to get a little worn, and the distressing was starting to wear thin, however I kept on wearing them. I normally don’t go for distressed denim, but I actually liked the distressing on these jeans because it made them look more casual.

Little did I know just how casual I would end up being that day.

Anyway,  I finished getting all three kiddos fed, dressed, and ready to go.  I had lunches all packed, and we loaded up and headed off to the zoo.

When we go to the zoo a lot of time is spent walking around, bending over, and chasing kids around, but I also spend an equal amount of time sitting on my rumpus watching my kids play on the playground. All of these activities can be especially hard on the nether regions of one’s pants.

So, I was doing the usual minding my own business wearing my favorite pants, chatting with my girlfriends, and watching my kids play.

I don’t know when exactly disaster struck, but I did notice that when I bent over things got a little extra drafty in the tush area.  However, I didn’t think anything of it and continued about my business.

At the end of they day, I came home and changed into some more comfortable clothing.  I looked down and caught a glimpse of my jeans.

I gasped in horror.

There was a large rip down the back of my pants.  The rip started at the corner of my back pocket (due to the distressing being stretched to maximum capacity, I’m sure), and continued down to the bottom of my butt cheek.  Then I remembered that I had been wearing flesh-colored Spanx, which gave the illusion that my butt cheek was showing in plain sight.

I double gasped in horror.

My mom always taught me that a lady never wears a thong under a skirt just in case the wind gets a little extra gusty.  However, she failed to fill me in on an equally as important piece of advice: Never wear flesh-colored Spanx under distressed denim in case your pants rip in the butt and it looks like your booty is hanging out.

I don’t know when it happened or who all saw, but I spent the day at the zoo with a portion of, what looked like, my butt cheek exposed.  I can’t remember which friends I was with on that particular play date, but no one told me.  Maybe they didn’t notice, or maybe they didn’t have the heart to tell me.

Hello friends, if we’re ever on a play date together and you see my butt cheek hanging out of my pants PLEASE tell me so I can at least take my cardigan off and tie it around my waist. I do have a little pride left you know, remember the whole Spanx at the zoo thing?

spongebob2Anyhow, those pants promptly went in the trash, and I am still on the lookout for the perfect pair of casual jeans. This time I think I will stay far away from any pocket distressing or anything that might make the pocket portion more likely to tear, rip, or puncture.

There’s a popular saying I hear moms say on the internet.  Normally it’s said somewhat condescendingly in regards to differing views on vaccines, extended breastfeeding, or any other parenting hot button.  They say, “When you know better you do better.”

I, however, am now saying that in regards to wearing nude underwear-Spanx under distressed denim that is on its last leg.

I know better and now I will do better.

I’ll leave you today with a quote from someone very wise and dear to my heart. “Now I learned a lesson I won’t soon forget, so listen and you won’t regret. Be true to yourself; don’t miss your chance and you won’t end up like the fool…who…ripped…his…pants!”

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